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Evil Bill's How-To Web Guide

"Cloning Your Pet"

Almost everyone has suffered the loss of a beloved pet. It can be a tough experience to go through, unless you tortured the animal to death, which means you might want to schedule your therapy more often. Regardless of your pet's cause of death, thanks to the marvels of science, you can own a duplicate, nay, doppelganger of your pet. Also, if you want to clone your pet, but would like it to NOT hump Grandpa's leg during Thanksgiving, you can change that too. All you need is the Time-Life Series "Evil Bill's How To Clone Your Pet"

Here's an example

This was my original pet horse, Bonzie. Unexpectedly, tragedy struck, and one day I awoke to find Bonzie's severed head in bed with me. Determined to have my beloved horse back, I set out to perfect a home-cloning device.

Soon, the procedure was perfected. Here is the product of my labor:

An identical copy!! I was pleased with the results. But then I thought, "Wouldn't Bonzie look even better with a blaze down his face??" And so I went back to the drawing board :

Then I thought, "What would be better than a horse with two heads and no asses???" So again I sought a solution to the problem


My home cloning kit works on nearly all types of pets. Here are a few letters and emails I have received from both owners and curious citizens.

Dear Evil Bill,

I have seen your infomercial on FOX, and I was AMAZED at your Home Cloning Kit!! My boyfriend Steve and I would LOVE to purchase one!!! Your cloning kit WILL work on gerbils, right?? Steve and I must spend hundreds of dollars on gerbils every year!! Also, is there any way we can tamper with their genetic structure to make them live longer without fresh air??

Love and Kisses,


Well, David, it certainly IS possible to clone gerbils. However, I think you two guys need to reevaluate your lifestyle before subjecting any more animals to your freaky fetish.

Dear Evil Bill,

I purchased your Home Cloning Kit after alot of factory workers sewing my line of clothing died of exhaustion. Now I have an even more expendible work force!! Thank you, Evil Bill!!!

Kathie Lee Gifford

Congratulations on your success, Kathie Lee. I loved your performance on "South Park".

(c) 1998 William Jessee